Às vezes tento imaginar como seria não ter a consciência que tenho. 
Será que era mais fácil lidar com algumas coisas?
Será que o meu dia passava ou eu passava pelo meu dia e era mais leve e simples?
Será que seria tão feliz? E o que é ser feliz?
Se a minha vida tem estado a mudar gradualmente, agora sinto que estou no ponto de viragem, mesmo na pontinha, no vértice. 
Há umas semanas atrás decidi que vou deixar de exercer Cardiopneumologia para me dedicar inteiramente a ser Doula. Quero muito experimentar a sensação de  “não ter nada para fazer” e com isso poder inventar tudo o que me apetecer. Neste momento sinto a minha criatividade no fundo. Sinto-me exausta de planos, de agenda, de correrias de um lado para o outro. Preciso de estar em casa, cuidar da minha casa, do meu espaço. Arrumar, deitar fora, limpar, arejar.
Preciso de abrir espaço, tornar-me vazia para estar pronta para me encher de novo, de tudo aquilo que me faz mais feliz, mais sentido à vida 🙂
É uma decisão consciente, pensada, avaliada e essencialmente sentida. (O entusiasmo que sinto quando imagino esta realidade não me deixa dúvidas de que é mesmo este o caminho).
Até lá, neste vai-vem de emoções, de medos, de inseguranças, de entusiasmo, ando assim. Meia perdida, meia sem sentido, meia apática talvez.
Há uns dias atrás e no pico da minha menstruação veio uma tristeza tão grande. Só me apetecia chorar. E entre choros e sorrisos pensava na minha vida, no que ando a fazer, no que posso melhorar, no que posso deixar estar como está, bla bla bla. 
E ontem, enquanto dava colo a um bebé que se entregava nos meus braços para dormir e sonhar, dava conta que é disto que preciso neste momento. Deste colo de mim para mim. Deste colo que abraça, que protege, que permite. Onde a minha parte triste se pode aconchegar e estar. Sem mudar nada, sem pensar nem planear nada. Apenas estar, ser esta tristeza. 
Porque sou (somos) tão exigente comigo? Porque tenho de estar sempre a produzir? Sempre disponível? Sempre activa? Sempre a usar ferramentas para lidar com? Porque não posso (podemos) ser apenas esse bebé que se entrega no (meu próprio) colo?
“Abre espaço para que o novo possa entrar” – é isto. Estou em remodelações 😀
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